You So Crazy!

"all i know is that I don't know anything", or something like that is the Socrates quote. As I grow older I long for wisdom but what has occurred is that I realize that I know very little. This augments my appetite for learning and adds a spirit of humility to my personality. I have learned so much working with the mentally ill and I let my clients know this every chance I get. There is a thin line between sanity and the insane. I have teetered at edge of that line and have seen many do the same. I'm not crazy, nope you're a crazy b*tch, uh-uh not I -- uuuuuuuu. My voices are hearing voices...they are saying.... why do you wait so long to recognize the qualities of your significant other? why do you want to hide and keep secret how much you are feeling someone else? why do people present themselves to be something that they are not and actually think that your true self will not eventually come through? why do people degrade and disrespect eachother when what is really going on is that they hate the person they are? why do we hold on to past hurts and don't seek to heal from these injuries?...as if holding on to the hurt will serve any purpose at all, let it go! My Mom at the age of 6 was given away by her Dad to a wealthy family and 63 years later she continues to suffer from this injustice. who pays for this? those closest to her and most of all it doesn't allow her to be free. what must we do to be free? I want to be free! Barbara, a part-time nurse who came to work with me taught me many things. Among them was to feel happy with being with me. She said I should do things I enjoy by myself and pay close attention to my feelings. Am I happy with the person I am? Can I tolerate being alone? She told me that if I can be happy with being by myself then I am ready to invite someone into my life. Taking time out for me would make me a better person. I realized while doing this that taking time for me made me feel that I didn't have to look for someone to complete me (ala Jerry Mcguire). Damn it, I'm a whole and therefore what I'm really looking for is someone to compliment me. My voices are hearing voices and I can't contain them, so I blog. What do you do to be free?

pillow talk....

silencio - palabras del alma por celi (copyright 2007)

tu silencio me grita hasta dejarme sorda
tu ausencia no me duele tanto como tu rechazo cuando te quise besar

hablame, dime algo
una palabra dos o tres
para que resuenen en el vacio de mi corazon

nadie es culpable cuando no hubo engano
solo hubo amistad, atraccion, deseo, y pasion

pero esta noche solo queda silencio
tu ausencia no me duele tanto como tu rechazo cuando te quise besar
hablame, dime algo
cuatro palabras, cinco o seis
para que calmen los latidos de mi corazon

siento el corazon a punto de partir me pecho en dos
y el tuyo donde esta?
tu corazon no esta aqui
porque tu corazon le pertenece a ella

tu ausencia no me duele tanto
porque aun estabas presente tus pensamientos estaban lejos

hablame, dime algo
siete palabras, ocho o nueve
para no perderme en los recuerdos de nuestra intimidad

mi vida, que dices?
o si esta claro, te escucho
tu tema sigue igual.....ella

(photo by celi - central park zoo 2008)

"Why you jealous, it's not like I'm sleeping with her!!" This being the punch line to the song and video by Beyonce, If I were a boy. Makes you wanna scratch your head like the monkey in the photo. Well not quite the same way. If I would be able to contort my body that way then maybe I would also be able to take care of a few things for myself....it's the old joke of if I can do myself then I wouldn't be in need of a male sexual partner. (As I type this my cat licks herself on my bed and pauses to look at me in a taunting manner. I respond by giving her the finger! You don't have to rub it in.) Why am I jealous....maybe because if I were a boy things would be different. If I were a boy I would be able to redefine terms and always be convinced that when I'm offensive to others I am completely justified in my actions. Like what has happened to the term friend. What does friend really mean? I would love to hear everyones definition of friend and friendship. I think that how it's defined is completely different from how it's really used. I want a partner who is also my friend. I want him to be multi-dimensional, but most of all I want him to want me back. If you are not willing to compromise in a relationship then you are not ready to be in a relationship. Do you feel me.....well if you don't, it's fine, I can feel myself. I've been practicing that monkey move and I'm almost there. When I perfect it I tell you all about it. Hey that's what friends are for.

poetry by Jill Scott

photo by celi
ESPERANZA

Revolutionary Man

I am grown now
A woman
got my house
Got my car
Gota cat too
Yeah!
But I needs me a man
Like air
Like wa ta

Yeah!

(I ain't trying to impress you)

I needs me a a breakfast making',

Long walkin', Black movie watchin',

Conversationalist

Yeah!

I needs me a standing up

Accept no bullshit (cept mine) man

an honest, hair brushing

Public kissin, praying on his knees man

Respect full

Protect full

Full-grown man

Yeah!

Laughin' anda working,

Ain't afraid to feel man

Ain't afraid to be strong

Revels in it

Needs me a soldier!

Yeah!

Needs me some passion

Needs me a revolution in my bed

Good Girl Gone BAD!

I'm a good girl, so that's what my Mom would say. I had to do all things that good girls do. "...abre los ojos y cierras la piernas...sabes que tu eres como una flor. Cuando permites que los petalos de la flor se toquen mucho, pues se marchetan!..." Can someone please touch my flower, come on, please -touch it, touch it! mmmmm, ok deep breath, what was I talking about.... oh yeah, a good girl. I'm a good girl from my Catholic school uniform, to the rosary beads I clutched in my hand for my first communion to the round disc on the roof of my mouth- dry and paper-like. I'm a good Catholic girl who believes in God the creator. God was distant and I had no relationship with him although I knew all about him. Stand, sit, kneel and kneel I did, since I could remember. I remember being so young kneeling in mass and barely seeing over the pew before me. That's what good girls do. Good girls keep their mouths shut when men try to touch them and ask them to sit on their laps. Good girls don't tell when their Dad beats the shit out of them making it hard to take a breath because it hurts that bad. Good girls just accept that their Dad is an alcoholic and verbally abuses everyone in the family. Good girls can't have an opinion, speak up for themselves and ask questions. Good girls stay married for the sanctity of the sacrament of marriage. I was married for seventeen years and it was never good enough. En el nombre del Padre, el Hijo y el Espiritu Santo, I tried. My Mom counseled me hours before my nuptials: "you gotta be a lady in the street and a freak in the sheets!' Damn Momma, you said what! Freak... is that a good girl? "Hell yeah", Mom said. "Tienes que ser una p*ta en la cama. If you don't do it someone else will." Mom was speaking from experience and I felt her pain. But good girls turn into good woman who let their men take advantage of them. In my lonleiness I turned to that God I knew all about but didn't feel. I said, I'm a good girl, why can't I feel you? where are you? and why have I suffered so much? Your word says you love me but I don't feel you. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life when I felt God's love. He loves me, the good girl- the good girl gone BAD. If it means that I'm bad because noone will ever lay a hand on me again then I'm bad. Call me what you wish but I know who I am and what I'm capable of. Do you really see me for me. Can you see my kind and caring heart? Can you see how dedicated I am to my profession? Can you see that I love God and feel him inside of me everyday? Can you see how sorry I am for my mistakes? and how I don't think myself better than anyone else. Can you see the good girl gone bad? Take a long look before you judge me. Maybe what you see in me is what you wish you can be.

poetry by Jill Scott

Lab animal (from Inside the Cage to You) by Jill Scott
(photo by celi 7/2008)






All right I'm not gon try to get it any more because I do believe I understand you
All this thinking for such a simple science
What does a bee do when the flower blooms?
What does the alley cat do when the unchained dog begins to growl?
I do believe I understand it now
I would be attracted to me too
I would be afraid of me if I ever got free too
I would create the bars and the locks and the chains and work so things won't change too if I were you
Just know that I am not blind anymore
Busy wasting my time no more
Busy tryin to understand you
I'm too busy understanding me
And you will always be afraid and we both know that

Don't we

Black is Beautiful

It was April 27, 2005, I was standing in the rain on a line that seemed to wrap around the earth or the Magic Johnson theater. I had a reserved copy of Jill Scott's poetry book titled the Moments, the Minutes, the Hours. It was my Mother's Day present from Jaz. Jill was at the bookstore signing copies of the book. When it was my turn, I offered a soggy weak handshake which she accepted with poise and a brillance that filled the room. No really this chic got it...that "it" which embodies confidence but not cockiness. I told her how I felt I was living my life like it's silver (making reference to her new release, golden) her reply,"All you need, you already have it. You just have to choose it." I walked away with book in hand and her words resonding in my frontal lobe but my hypothalamus won, damn I was starving! Years later I still remember her words, read her poetry, listen to her music, experienced her in concert at Carnegie Hall, am in awe of her spirit and damn, I'm still starving. Black is Beautiful. I embrace my blackness from my coarse patch of hair framing my face to my curvaceous body. I am Puertorirquena and therefore I am Taino Indian, Spaniard and Black. Black is beautiful and so is brown, tan, caramelo, off white and ivory. My people are beautiful because we come in a variety of colors. Mami es blanca como la leche, Papi trigueno como cafe bustelo y yo, pues, cafe con leche....sabroso! All that I need I already have I just have to choose it! Ya feel me! I choose to be happy, confident, informed, at peace and in love. I choose to love me....black. Shall I serve you a cup?

When you were born you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die the world cries and you rejoice. (White Elk, Native American quote)

(photo by celi, bear mountain '08)

Crash goes my Love

Alright so the title seems insensitive but for those of you who know me understand me. Jaz was in a car accident on Friday and actually I was very impressed with how she handled herself. (hence the title, ya feel me!) KABOOM, BIG UPS TO BROOKLYN! (I had absolutely no reason to say that just now but it was burning in my chest and needed to be released.) Just in sync with how you become reflective when experiences beyond any particular person's control occurs I thought on life's frailty.(similar to how inmates find Jesus while incarcerated ....yo JC sup...BIG UPS TO JESUS!) Firstly, I went straight into Nurse mode but foremost Mommy mode. Afterward I thought how in an istant your life can take on a whole different direction. I love my daughter from her beautiful curly lochs to her stink toes...foo nena! It was love at first sight. I remember when the doc announced, "it's a girl!" I couldn't believe it everyone thought I was having a boy. Aha, eso es un nene. Mirale la barriga. It was the very scientific method of how your belly is shaped determines the gender of your child. Yeah google it. You'll find it in all the medical journals. "It's a girl?!" I repeated and repeated until the doc told me its ok to touch her. She was placed on my chest there she was covered in that white film, full head of hair, eyes wide open and a CONEHEAD! Her head was shaped like a cone from her travels through my fun orifice. I experienced so many emotions at once and nothing has come close to the happiness I felt that very day Jasmine was born. Bear with me, I was really amazed by the miracle of life. Pero, check this out, I've had some trying times with Jasmine that I have tried to send her back up my fun orifice. I hate that no exchange/ no return policy with Motherhood. Still in all, this weekend awakened those loving and protective feelings in me. I'm thankful for what I have, who I am and the people that have enriched my life. I love you guys! There have been people who supported me when I couldn't support myself. (BIG UPS TO THE CIRCLE OF TRUST!)--Live life by your standards, push yourself to be better, learn something new, go beyond outward appearances and focus on the beauty within. (PURA VIDA PAPA. BIG UPS TO SCOTT.) And watch out for those double parked cars stupid!

Is it easy for you to identify physical beauty? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder or is it in the beholding? How difficult is it for you to identify strength, determination and persistence within? This photograph taken at the Central Park Garden reminds me that nothing can deter one's true inner beauty!

central park garden

Hello my name is _____________.

In my dreaded freshman year of college I took on a greek and latin roots course. It was a blur, sorry to say but I finally was able to put a definition to my name. First of all, I had a hard time learning to fit my name on the header of my composition notebook, at times hyphenating it and continuing the spelling onto the back of the page. Pero, "lemme tel yew sumsing!" (that is - let me tell you something in a Nuyorican accent) trying to get people to pronounce it correctly was even more challenging. "Yes, I said Aracelis, ( ah-rah-sell-ees ). My name means divine being from above. Awww shoot now, that's sure to get me into heaven. Well, maybe not anymore, according to my Mother because I tattoed my body- "el que marca su cuerpo, que es templo de Dios, no entrara en el reino de Dios!" Hmmm...ok Mother, how about when you beat the crap out of "el templo de Dios?" does that count...hmmm, nevermind, that doesn't count. In a very angelic voice I say, "oh very nice to meet you, uh, yes that's Aracelis uh, huh? yes, Aracelis. Yeah, yeah it's a tough one (heavenly smile) well you can call me, Lisa. Nowadays I use celi for my writings and photography but I try not to simplify it anymore. (hey I'm going to hell anyway, wanna come along, bring your green hat!) I introduce myself as -Aracelis, roll th "r" why don't you, come on you can do it. Now lets look at some synonyms, shortcuts and compliments. Thank you, thank you very much (in my terrible Elvis-like voice) Hello, my name is Aracelis but you can call me_______... lisa , celi, lisy, lisita , ara, ari, rabiosa, lloroncita, flaca, nappyhead, spic, ashy, niblets, bugs, booger, bones, b*tch and hoe, hey wait a minute, what's in a name. Gee, no biggy, it's just one of the first formulations of your very being, your character, the definition of YOU. "...mirala tu la vez, esa ayi. Esa no alcansara a ser alguien en este mundo. Acaso salir embarazada ha temprana edad. Esa ayi, esa es una puta. Oh snap, Hello my name is Aracelis but you can call me puta. It was circa 1979 and my Dad was drunk, again. All of a sudden he's Walter Mercado predicting my future pero menos el,"...sobre todo mucho, mucho amor". My Dad's prediction flowed out of him as the vodka and budweiser flowed into him. Fast forwad to Septmeber 2008, here is my attempt at fluidity and so I'll roll my own "r" and define me- I am Aracelis, friendly, kind, funny, smart, generous, vibrant and welcoming. I am a Registered Professional Nurse, licensed in NYS, a Therapist, and an integral part of a dynamic day treatment team, an educator, a speaker, an advisor, a caretaker, a mother, a daughter, a partner and a friend. I'm a fighter. "block b*tch!", my internal coach screams. Thanks Dad, low blow, I never saw that one coming! Hello, my name is Aracelis and I'm a divine being from above but you can call me.... forgiving.

greetings from a newby....

Hi I'm celi and I'm new to this blogging experience so plz be gentle......hola to all you bloggers.