(photo by celi - central park zoo 2008)

"Why you jealous, it's not like I'm sleeping with her!!" This being the punch line to the song and video by Beyonce, If I were a boy. Makes you wanna scratch your head like the monkey in the photo. Well not quite the same way. If I would be able to contort my body that way then maybe I would also be able to take care of a few things for myself....it's the old joke of if I can do myself then I wouldn't be in need of a male sexual partner. (As I type this my cat licks herself on my bed and pauses to look at me in a taunting manner. I respond by giving her the finger! You don't have to rub it in.) Why am I jealous....maybe because if I were a boy things would be different. If I were a boy I would be able to redefine terms and always be convinced that when I'm offensive to others I am completely justified in my actions. Like what has happened to the term friend. What does friend really mean? I would love to hear everyones definition of friend and friendship. I think that how it's defined is completely different from how it's really used. I want a partner who is also my friend. I want him to be multi-dimensional, but most of all I want him to want me back. If you are not willing to compromise in a relationship then you are not ready to be in a relationship. Do you feel me.....well if you don't, it's fine, I can feel myself. I've been practicing that monkey move and I'm almost there. When I perfect it I tell you all about it. Hey that's what friends are for.

poetry by Jill Scott

photo by celi
ESPERANZA

Revolutionary Man

I am grown now
A woman
got my house
Got my car
Gota cat too
Yeah!
But I needs me a man
Like air
Like wa ta

Yeah!

(I ain't trying to impress you)

I needs me a a breakfast making',

Long walkin', Black movie watchin',

Conversationalist

Yeah!

I needs me a standing up

Accept no bullshit (cept mine) man

an honest, hair brushing

Public kissin, praying on his knees man

Respect full

Protect full

Full-grown man

Yeah!

Laughin' anda working,

Ain't afraid to feel man

Ain't afraid to be strong

Revels in it

Needs me a soldier!

Yeah!

Needs me some passion

Needs me a revolution in my bed

Good Girl Gone BAD!

I'm a good girl, so that's what my Mom would say. I had to do all things that good girls do. "...abre los ojos y cierras la piernas...sabes que tu eres como una flor. Cuando permites que los petalos de la flor se toquen mucho, pues se marchetan!..." Can someone please touch my flower, come on, please -touch it, touch it! mmmmm, ok deep breath, what was I talking about.... oh yeah, a good girl. I'm a good girl from my Catholic school uniform, to the rosary beads I clutched in my hand for my first communion to the round disc on the roof of my mouth- dry and paper-like. I'm a good Catholic girl who believes in God the creator. God was distant and I had no relationship with him although I knew all about him. Stand, sit, kneel and kneel I did, since I could remember. I remember being so young kneeling in mass and barely seeing over the pew before me. That's what good girls do. Good girls keep their mouths shut when men try to touch them and ask them to sit on their laps. Good girls don't tell when their Dad beats the shit out of them making it hard to take a breath because it hurts that bad. Good girls just accept that their Dad is an alcoholic and verbally abuses everyone in the family. Good girls can't have an opinion, speak up for themselves and ask questions. Good girls stay married for the sanctity of the sacrament of marriage. I was married for seventeen years and it was never good enough. En el nombre del Padre, el Hijo y el Espiritu Santo, I tried. My Mom counseled me hours before my nuptials: "you gotta be a lady in the street and a freak in the sheets!' Damn Momma, you said what! Freak... is that a good girl? "Hell yeah", Mom said. "Tienes que ser una p*ta en la cama. If you don't do it someone else will." Mom was speaking from experience and I felt her pain. But good girls turn into good woman who let their men take advantage of them. In my lonleiness I turned to that God I knew all about but didn't feel. I said, I'm a good girl, why can't I feel you? where are you? and why have I suffered so much? Your word says you love me but I don't feel you. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life when I felt God's love. He loves me, the good girl- the good girl gone BAD. If it means that I'm bad because noone will ever lay a hand on me again then I'm bad. Call me what you wish but I know who I am and what I'm capable of. Do you really see me for me. Can you see my kind and caring heart? Can you see how dedicated I am to my profession? Can you see that I love God and feel him inside of me everyday? Can you see how sorry I am for my mistakes? and how I don't think myself better than anyone else. Can you see the good girl gone bad? Take a long look before you judge me. Maybe what you see in me is what you wish you can be.